Was that fleeing ?

I can’t sleep, my mind is running.

The question was tried to be answered... so many times, but never really asked. 

So how come did I needed to flee ? 

I wanted freedom, found it.

I wanted change, got it.

I wanted to be the own architect of my life. Now I have to build it up on my own.

I wanted solitude. Got that more than ever… 

I was looking for strength, wisdom, humility, knowledge, fortitude. I’m still looking for more, and always will be. 

I think, I hope. 

I was so scared to be stuck in a life that looked nice but wasn’t to me, you know the ready- made one that sound so obvious to everyone, so much that you get scared of every tiny little change that might happen. I know it’s already been said so many times, but nothing happens in life but you. So if you don’t want anything to happen to you, fair enough. Stay home and do nothing as long as you are happy. Otherwise you’ll have to take some risks. The Problem is that we learn to be scared, we have to be cautious all the time, people must think about their future about what their life is going to be. For sure you can be happy doing all the planning stuff you were taught for so long, and of course you can have the best time of your life doing that. But that just don’t apply to me at all. 

Let me explain. 

I always had to make the best choices as a kid to make my parents happy and proud. It didn’t work very well because I was not taking the decisions for myself. I always wanted my friends to like me, to appreciate me because I wanted to be a best friend. It worked well as that came from me but the thing is that I was behaving for them. So where was I? How could I identify myself as I was pretending always, to everyone? And I learned to be scared like everybody else. 

It was only when I was travelling that I realized, even as a kid, that It was abroad that I could reveal myself to me and others, it was abroad that I realized that things were quite easy and simple at home. And It was abroad that I understood that the present you live design the future you’ll have.  Like everybody else, all I want is happiness and become someone with a good fortune.

So I’m taking it.